Tale of the Tape

Some of you may remember about ten years back there used to be a guy on ESPN named Nick Bikay, who used to do a sort of tongue in cheek analysis of big sports match-ups. In deference to him, I offer you the tale of the tape for today's gridiron clash:

Big Ten Championships:
Michigan-42
State-6
Advantage Michigan

AP National Championships:
Michigan 2
State 1
Advantage Michigan

Heisman trophies:
Michigan 3
State 0
Advantage Michigan

Other Big rivals:
Michigan- OSU, Notre Dame
State-Penn State, Notre Dame
Advantage-Push, at least we can agree on some things.

Mascot:
Michigan-What's a mascot?
State-Sparty
Advantage- State -He looks like a felon, and that skirt is kinda questionable, but he's better than nothing.

Symbol of Campus Pride:
Michigan-The Cube
State-Sparty Statue
Advantage- State -Even when painted the wrong color Sparty is still more inspiring.

Fight Song:
Michigan-John Phillips Sousa called the Victors the greatest college march ever written.
State-sounds like “On Wisconsin” and 80% of all other fight songs.
Advantage- Michigan, big time

Helmet:
Michigan-Wing design that Fritz Crisler “borrowed” from Princeton,
State-Block “S” design borrowed from Syracuse
Advantage- Michigan - Ok,ok, I know that State doesn’t use that block “S” helmet anymore, but I always thought it looked better. Besides, I couldn’t think of anything clever to say about the current design, other than the fact that it looks like USC.

Famous Alumni (Entertainment Division):
Michigan-Arthur Miller, James Earl Jones, Lucy Liu
State-Robert Urich, James Caan, Tom Sizemore
Advantage-Michigan -I’ve always liked James Caan, but how can you go against Darth Vader?

Famous Alumni (political division):
Michigan - Gerald Ford
State - John Engler, Jim Blanchard
Advantage - State - One bad president outweighs two governors.

Infamous Alumni:
Michigan - Ann Coulter, The Unabomber, Bill Ayers, Leopold & Loeb
State - Geoffrey Feiger
Advantage - State - Yikes!

Famous Alumni (all others):
Michigan - Larry Page (Google founder), Raoul Wallenberg, Clarence Darrow, 8 astronauts, Margret Bourke White
State - Ernest Green (Little Rock 9), Eli Broad
Advantage - Michigan - It's not even close.

Nickname opponents use to ridicule them:
Michigan-scUM, weasels, skunkbears
State-sparties
Advantage-Push, those are all vicious insults.

Fans secret fear:
Michigan-That MSU might one day become a better football program
State-That their kids might grow up liking Michigan
Advantage-Push -Neither is very likely.

Yearly event that campus police dread:
Michigan-Hash Bash
State-Cederfest
Advantage Michigan - Do they still hold either of these two events?

Hockey vs Football beef:
Michigan - Mano-e-Mano
State - A house wide brawl
Advantage - State - They brought half the team over to rumble, and the coach is bothering to suspend anybody.

Fans’ reaction to a big loss:
Michigan-quiet introspection and self-doubt
State-Riot
Advantage State -better to go down swinging.

Well, there you have it folks, it all so simple when you break it down logically. In a close one Michigan beats Michigan State this weekend.