Monday, March 2, 2009

The List

Everybody has a list, even if they don't call it that. You know, that list of people you would just assume go away and never come back: The late night infomercial guy; the annoying co-worker who never pulls their own weight; the teen idol with little to no discernible talent other than their physical attractiveness to 13-year old girls that keeps showing up on your TV; the addle-minded ex-player-turned-color-commentator who is searching painfully for a catch phrase and keeps missing horribly; the third-grade bully who tormented you and keeps reappearing in your nightmares every August right before school starts again. Whether we realize or not, if any one of us were king (or queen) for a day, we'd have a whole host of people we'd love to banish.

I would like to present, from time to time, some excerpts from my list. Call it my "Guantanamo List", or "People I'd banish for no reason other than the fact that I'm in charge and don't need a reason."

There will be no order for these names, just post them as I think of them.

1) George Steinbrenner -- Ever since I was a little kid I've hated the Yankees, mostly because of the Boss. He is brash, arrogant, and not afraid to exploit the inequities in revenue created by being based in the nation's media market. I've always said, if the Yankees went 1-161 one year, I'd fret about the one that got away.

2) Terrell Owens -- Get over yourself already. I just wish this guy would go see a shrink, deal with his self-hatred due to his suppressed sexuality, and come out of the closet.

3) Barry Bonds -- A spoiled brat (read about his time at ASU) who got upset when he wasn't the center of the baseball world, he decided to cheat and steal baseball's most cherished record.

4) Jim Tressel -- True story, I could have gotten rid of him already, but chose not to. In May of 2006 I was at a work conference that was held in Columbus on the campus of OSU at the Fawcett Center, which is right across the road from the Football practice facility and offices. One day as I was leaving the conference for lunch I was stopped at a stop sign in the parking lot when a somewhat slight older gentleman wearing glasses and a very stylish sweater vest walked in front of my rental car towards the conference center. Turns out once a week during the off-season the football team eats lunch together down the hall from where my conference was being held. When I realized who was cutting across my path, I looked down at my foot pressed firmly against the brake. I would be lying if I said I didn't think about what would happen if I removed my foot and hit the accelerator. By the time I got done calculating how fast I would have to go to do real damage, what my chances of getting caught were, and how much I'd crap I'd have to hear on ESPN about what a saint he was, he was long gone, and the car behind me was blowing its horn. Oh well, he probably isn't worth 20 to life, especially when I'd have to spend it in an Ohio prison (imagine how many ex-buckeyes I'd run into). Of course, If I were king, I could simply banish him, with no consequences ;-)

more names later